Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Avoidance

I've been avoiding writing something here for a while now. I guess I thought that if I didn't write, then there was a chance we'd get pregnant. It's amazing how easy it is to walk that ridiculously thin line between skepticism/hopelessness and fantasy/hope. I think this is why people become addicted to pregnancy tests. You take a test, and it's negative. Yet, somehow that doesn't compute. You rationalize that the test could be wrong, something else could be going on. You take another test. Still negative. But your breasts are sore, you must be pregnant. Test 3. You guessed it, negative. And so forth. I vacillate endlessly between rationality and absolute snap-crackle-pop insane regularly when it comes to whether or not I might be pregnant. This last cycle, I was still secretly convinced that I was pregnant in spite of having started my period, because my period came so early and was so short (2 days). Evidence staring me in the face, and I still held out hope. Crackers.

So, the update is this. We saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). More tests. Nothing super obvious showed up. My FSH levels were borderline, which is an indication of my age, but not so high that I'm out of the running for getting pregnant. We discussed over and over again what our options were. The best bet would be to do IVF with preimplantation genetic testing (PGD) to rule out any "bad" embryos. Of course, this comes with a pretty steep price tag. After investing with our insurance, we discover that we have infertility coverage. Theoretically enough to cover one round of IVF. Hopes rise. Another cycle goes by as we work through the insurance hoops. With a new cycle on the immediate horizon, insurance was still balking. In the end, the protocol for covering IVF with PGD requires first having failed 3 rounds of IUI. So, no go on the IVF.

My cycle began a little sooner than it was supposed to, so with just two days to figure it all out, the folks at the Reproductive Science Center manage to switch me to IUI with insurance approval. I received a large, refrigerated package in the mail filled with needles, syringes and injectibles. On Oct 23 I went in for my first follicular ultrasound and began giving myself nightly shots. Ultrasounds again on the 26th, 30th, 1st of November, 2nd and 3rd. Until Nov 2nd, all looks well. Then a funny thing happens. My uterine lining stops growing. The blood test shows that my estrogen is dropping. The doctor calls me today (Nov 3) to tell me that this mornings blood test and U/S show that I'm likely ovulating prematurely, before I can develop follicles and/or a uterine lining. The IUI is off for this cycle. We'll have to wait 2 weeks and try again with a different technique.

Beyond the sheer devastation of another failed cycle, I find myself incredibly frustrated that in order to do all of these last minute ultrasounds and blood tests in Orinda and San Ramon, I had to turn down classes for the next month. At the end of November, that will work in my favor with the advent of the next cycle, but it's frustrating to be out of work without a good reason. I've some development work I can do from home, but the best part of my job is the teaching. I'll miss the interaction of the classroom immensely.

I suppose the good news is that we are finally beginning to understand why I have not gotten pregnant in the last year. Easy pregnancy after coming off of birth control makes sense and will likey be one of the approaches we take in the next cycle. In the meanwhile, another month slips by.