So another cycle went by with a big old negative result on the inhumanely expensive early pregnancy tests. I can't help but think that we've been plagued with horrible timing in our attempt to have this second child. We really didn't have any difficulty getting pregnant the first time (with Eliot) or the first two times this time around. Then the personal tragedies just started piling up.
As if having 2 miscarriages wasn't already traumatic enough, in the 6 or so months that we've been trying since the second miscarriage, at least 4 of the 6 or 7 times I've ovulated something has happened. The first cycle that we tried after our second miscarriage, one of my dearest friends (and aunt) died. The next cycle my great-aunt, with whom I had been close as a child, passed away. Somewhere in there I received my graduate school rejection letters. Then Kenzie, one of our dogs, became gravely ill. There was a reprieve in early summer, and I believe we did get pregnant if only briefly due to the symptoms I experienced and to the fact that my super regular period came abruptly 5 days early. Not sure what our excuse was in July for not getting pregnant, but my cat died this last ovulation period. It is entirely possible that our infertility - perhaps not the miscarriages - but the months when we haven't conceived can be attributed to poorly timed sex because of external stress factors.
Yet, tomorrow we have our first appointment with a fertility specialist. Rationally, I'm willing to acknowledge that we may not be pregnant because of bad timing and we just need to try harder. On the other hand, every period brings with it disappointment, grief and even greater stress that aggravates the remnants of libido I still have. I want to know if there is something else wrong that we might be able to avoid, prevent or circumvent. It was I who suggested that we take this step. I, who 6 months ago was adamant that we would not use interventions and that we would accept that were were only meant for an only child if it came to this. Now I approach this appointment resolved that I only want to diagnose the problem, and to discover what our options are. I cannot imagine the expense financially and emotionally of continued fertility treatments and IVF procedures. I say that now, but what will I say after another few months of unsuccessful attempts? The line that I've drawn in the sand has already been washed away once and redrawn. How far will we go to have another child? I've lost 11 months in this quest. When we started I was 38.5. Now I'm 39.5. Eliot is four this weekend. Even if we get pregnant next week, I'll be 40 when I deliver and Eliot will be almost 5 years older than his sibling. We'd hoped for just less than 4 years age difference. (Funny how we were so confident that they would be 4 years apart). I wonder what if anything will make us draw a more permanent line in the sand? Will it be exhaustion or sibling age difference or maternal age or financial expense of getting pregnant again? I wish I could know now so that I could have some definitive deadline. In the meanwhile, I find myself sliding slowly down this seemingly endless slope.
