I did not truly appreciated the social awkwardness of attempting to get pregnant the first around. We just got pregnant and then held our tongues for a few weeks. We told our family after the first 8 week ultrasound (because it was conveniently timed with the holidays). We waited to tell friends and work until we made it through the first trimester, because that's what you are supposed to do.
This time is terribly different. With the fall pregnancy, we didn't consider telling our family, but I did break down and tell two of my close friends. When we lost it, I had this entirely blundering conversation with the operations manager at work explaining why I couldn't come in to teach.
Me: "err.... I can't come in because... of a .....medical problem...."
Him: >> some probing question about how serious is was <<
Me: >> stuttering response trying to not reveal the situation<<
Him: >> total confusion <<
Me, blurting out: "you see, I'm in the process of miscarrying...and I don't know how long its going to last"
Him: " ..... oh..... I didn't even know you were pregnant"
And so forth. Of course he doesn't know I'm pregnant. You just don't tell people you are pregnant before the first trimester, right?
So then the second time around, I go through the whole thing again. Only this time it's not work with whom I have an awkward conversation, but my son's preschool teacher of all people. I have to cancel a volunteer date that I'd scheduled in order to have the D&C. My attempts at evasive maneuvering through delicate medical questions are obviously shoddy. So once again I babble a little too much, leaving this poor woman horrified that she'd pushed me to reveal something so entirely private.
Which begs the question, why is it so private? Is there something about it that I'm supposed to be ashamed of? After the second miscarriage and a few other things that fell apart in my life, I just didn't have the energy to pretend everything was fine. We told our family that we were trying and that we'd had some difficulty, and we started telling all of our friends. Many of them now know about the miscarriages, not the details, but that we've been trying for a while for a second child. Perhaps this puts them in a difficult position now? They don't know whether to ask how it's going or if we're pregnant or not yet? I'm sorry if it does make others uncomfortable, but I cannot tell you how relieved I am that I don't have to keep everything a secret anymore.
Of course, I have no idea how we would handle another pregnancy. Now that everyone knows we are trying, do you just tell people right off the bat? Yep, we're pregnant. Only 4 weeks, so we could lose it at any time. Isn't that great news? Or do you pretend like you're not pregnant until you get past the scary part and then let everyone know? It's not like our friends wouldn't be able to figure out something suspicious was going on if I don't eat sushi or have a glass of wine or sink into a hot tub. We don't hang around dolts. They'll suspect something. So, the likely thing is that we'll just tell everyone, right? And deal with the consequences if things don't work out. Then again, how do I handle our almost 4 year old son, who wants a baby more than any lego kid or fire truck or any other kind of present. I'm curious whether it would be better to tell him and then tell him about the loss if it happens or if we try to keep it from him even though the grownups around him will probably know.
I know there is no obvious answer to this problem, and short of actually being pregnant again, all I can do is wonder. I suppose we shall see.
